“Could it be that all along I’ve lived the life I should have lived?”
(Byron Katy)
I spent a lot of time trying to negotiate with my past.
“Maybe if I’d gone to college when everyone else did…”
“Maybe if I’d gone on more auditions in LA…”
“Maybe if I’d turned down the Vicodin Rx that kickstarted my addiction…”
You get the picture.
Often whatever I was currently regretting was actually causing the NEXT thing I’d regret.
For example, when I was 18 and didn’t get into any colleges, I became convinced that it was now too late to go the college route.
I knew that my friends would all be graduating before me, and how humiliating was it to fall behind, right?
I let my embarrassment (and ego) stop me from applying late, and it only felt more unattainable as time went on.
During that time I decided to jump full force into being an actor, but then I realized many of the actors I admired actually HAD gone to college, or had gotten help from their famous parents, or had gotten started in the biz REALLY young and…it was probably too late for me to find success in Hollywood too, huh?
Another goal crushed by the past (this time it was how mine didn’t compare to others.)
Do you see a pattern here?
The truth is that (without realizing it) I carried my past “mistakes” and ideas about who I should have been like a bag full of boulders that I’d decided were just my cross to bear.
It was this bag of boulders that kept me weighted down from seeing what new possibility was TOTALLY still available if I’d just open my eyes.
There was some pretty cool stuff floating by (opportunities, jobs, people, the like) but I was too busy holding on like hell to these shame boulders, lest I forget how much I’d screwed up and—GASP—forgive myself.
* it’s self-loathing that made Vicodin work the magic that it did for me all those years ago. When I found that a little white pill could make me forget about myself and my endless negative loop of a life…it was the solution I never knew I needed. And it almost killed me. But more on that another day.
Do you see how living with your eyes in the rearview is like a big heavy dirty brown accumulating crapball?
Do you see how having your arms full of said Crapball means you’re going to miss out on cool stuff that tries to enter your life?
The funny thing about shame boulders (crapballs) is that sometimes, even when we try to let go of them, we realize that we’re kiiiind of attached to the way they make us feel.
When you’ve walked around with a boulder tied to your neck for long enough, cutting that tie can actually feel worse than leaving it there.
But trust me, ponyboy – you wanna cut that boulder loose.
Those boulders aren’t badges of honor, or crosses to bear- they’re big heavy weights that are dulling your sparkle and muting the BIG INCREDIBLE and BRAVE you that could be out in the world, living the life you were always meant to.
The past IS what it is…but ya know what the past IS NOT?
IT’S NOT HERE RIGHT NOW.
Guess who is?
YOU.
Big shiny courageous present day YOU that has gone through some crazy cool shit and gotten beat down and survived; is stronger, wiser, flexible, informed, awakened, smarter, way juicier and more interesting – and ALL of that stuff polished you up like the shiny tip of a shimmering diamond.
A diamond that gleams so much at its tip but doesn’t realize how gorgeous it’s whole body is – ALL of it, even the blemishes and the chips and the colors that have been added throughout time.
It’s pretty incredible, the stuff that you’ve gone through – yes, even The Muck.
So cut the crap boulder…
It’s time to shine, you crazy diamond.
Xo
Melissa
Today: Done Bathing in Shame (AKA Crapball Creek)