You may or may not have noticed that I’ve been taking lots of risks lately.
Sharing more openly, more consistently, taking leaps like starting a podcast (read about that here) and being open about parts of my past that I used to keep somewhat-kinda-sorta quiet.
Both In Real Life and in the world of online connections I’ve gotten pretty bare and brave and revealed way more.
More about my past.
About my addiction.
More about my grief and my love and my perspective on it all.
Myself.
Through being more visible and taking all these risks, I’ve experienced some of the most dramatic growth of my life in only a few months. I’ve connected with people on a deeper level, connected with my inner creator on a deeper level, and I feel more connected with my spiritual life/relationships/family/clients/everything.
I feel more. It feels raw and truthful and electric and big.
It’s pretty incredible what happens when you allow yourself to take some leaps and possibly fail.
It’s incredible that you can change so much so fast and not wait to feel ready or sure or comfortable.
But…
You saw this coming…
The thing about leaps is…
At some point the roller coaster must go down too.
Sometimes your vulnerability isn’t met with approval, or “likes” or outer reward. Sometimes nothing changes on the outside but the inside of your head starts screaming at you. Sometimes you suddenly feel like you’re standing in the middle of the gymnasium naked and wish in an instant you could take it all back.
Your naked and revealed self is FREEZING and suddenly flashes to that warm and cozy old familiar corner, the one where you’re “buttoned up” and “professional” and a “compartmentalized” person with a super chill zen vibe and a cool detached handle on things.
The one where you’re like yeah, whatever, no big deal, I don’t care, I’m above it all.
The one where you’re actually pretty invisible except for when you feel like being seen as this, like, really enlightened and wise professional who is also effortlessly cool.
#Grateful
#Lessons
#Barf
(It must be noted that this is simply a thought in your head about how you appeared when you were playing smaller – it’s not a fact because you actually have no idea what people were thinking about you. More realistically people probably weren’t thinking about you at all. But let’s continue.)
This plunge of the roller coaster car has you now feeling like Hot Garbage and nursing a vulnerability hangover like no other.
Your inner self is praying to the porcelain God of your former identity, retching and freezing and making promises.
I promise I won’t do this again. If I stop can I just feel better? I take it all back.
And though you make these vows at the bottom of the Hot Garbage Roller Coaster there’s a part of you that’s gotten wise and knows not to believe what you’re hearing right now.
This part of you knows that you’re not a naked piece of freezing cold vulnerable crap, and ALSO knows that you’re not an effortlessly cool Zen master either.
*The highs and the lows are just your thoughts*
Remember how these are ALL just thoughts in your head? Thoughts about what other people think, thoughts about what their opinion means, thoughts about what is right and wrong and what parts of you deserve to see the light of day.
ALL-JUST-THOUGHTS.
You get up off the floor and realize that this is just what minds DO.
This is how the self protects itself, remember?
Behind veils of reputation and mystery and coolness! Thoughts!
You invite your scared small ego self to come sit with you by the Porcelain God (toilet) and suddenly the toilet evaporates and you’re in the roller coaster car.
Coasting. It IS a coaster, after all.
This coaster – and your mind - goes up and down when left to its own devices.
As the Hot Garbage Coaster levels out, you get a chance to turn these new thoughts over in your head:
What if downs are just the other side of the ups?
Isn’t it all just part of being on the ride at all?
Isn’t this Hot Garbage Coaster exactly what you help other people get through?
Isn’t the coaster a part of being human?
Wouldn’t you rather be riding it (in all its hot and cold glory) than watching from the sidelines like you’ve done so much of your life?
Who are you outside the coaster?
(This is where the Eckhart Tolle part of me wants to go on a spiritual deep dive about Pure Awareness with you, but let’s be honest – I don’t know if my Eckhart Tolle channeling is very spot on right now. After all, I don’t think he writes about Hot Garbage Roller Coasters or toilets - although I kinda wish he did.)
I share the other side of my vulnerability journey with you all because I think it’s important to shed light on the yin and the yang.
With the bravery comes the ego rebellion.
With the ego rebellion comes the need to step away from the thoughts of self.
When I’m not thinking about myself, I can keep being brave, open, and connecting with you all.
And when I’m doing that, I’m living the life I was put here to live - which is exactly what I wake up every day hoping to do.
So, the next time you take a leap and suddenly find yourself on your own Hot Garbage Coaster, remember that the ups and downs are really just a part of being on the ride.
The ups and downs are ALL just thoughts coming from inside of your head: not bad, not good, not a toilet or an illusion of perfection…just thoughts.
And when you step outside of that drama by realizing that IT IS EXACTLY THAT: A DRAMA - the real magic happens.
xo
Melissa