One day in in high school, I was walking off campus and saw another student slip and fall.
It rained that week, so when he stood up there was mud covering his entire backpack, pants, all of him. I mean, it was even in his hair. I looked around and realized I was the only one that had seen the fall, then ran toward him.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he said sheepishly, as I handed him the pager that had escaped his pocket.
We started talking about how lame mud is, how much we were looking forward to the game that night, and I don’t know – dances and drinking and high school stuff.
Does this sound made up?
If so that’s because it didn’t actually go that way, you guys.
I DID NOT RUN UP TO HIM.
I DID NOT TALK TO HIM.
When he ate it in the mud (but seemed physically okay) I averted my eyes, turned the other way, and walked as quickly as I could in the opposite direction.
I mean, the only thing worse than falling down in mud is having a witness, right?
Now, why did I run away like that?
Why was I so afraid of him seeing me and feeling embarrassed?
It all comes down to the same reason any of us ever do anything, whether it was in high school or now: because of a story I believed.
Smiling, but terrified
A “story” is a piece of cultural conditioning, a construct we’ve bought into, or simply a thought that we’ve decided is true about ourselves and life.
My high school story said: It’s embarrassing to fall down in the mud in public. I will protect him by pretending I didn’t see it.
Now, I saw this guy at school the next day and he didn’t seem traumatized. But for some reason, almost 20 years later, I remember his fall – because though it wasn’t my humiliation, it came into direct contact with thoughts that ruled my life.
Mistakes make you look stupid.
Looking stupid is the worst possible thing so don’t make mistakes.
I have to stay in control: of myself, of the narrative, of the situation.
In that moment, I didn’t actually think this poor kid was stupid: but I projected my story onto him based on stories I’d bought into.
The point is that my thoughts created my reality.
And the above crappy thoughts are STILL my default, you guys.
Don’t make mistakes.
Don’t look stupid.
Appear cool and in-control.
Neurons that fired together for SO long in my brain wired together pretty well, and that means I’ve got to do some heavy mental lifting to change those thoughts.
Heavy lifting like “thought work” – finding new INTENTIONAL thoughts to think. Changing the station my inner radio is tuned to, by thinking things like:
Mistakes mean you’re living bravely.
I’m brave and powerful which is the coolest.
I’m confident in being ALL of me, even the “imperfect” parts – and my courage will embolden others.
These new, intentional thoughts help me to feel the way I’d like to feel: powerful, valuable, fun, and loving. They allow me to show up imperfectly and full of mistakes – doing thought work has changed my entire life.
But the thing about new thoughts—or their cousin’s affirmations— is that they only work if we can actually believe them.
The key word is “believe” – otherwise new thoughts are no more than a few words on a flimsy string of a sentence.
If you don’t believe a thought like “I’m a millionaire and I own this whole apartment complex,” it feels more like “this-is-total-BS-but-I-guess-I’ll-write-it-on-my-mirror anyway.”
But wait, isn’t the point of affirming so that we can GET to belief?
I was always hung up on this question – after all, if we wait until we BELIEVE something is true then we might be waiting forever, right?
But there’s an in-between. There’s a way to build belief in thoughts that (at the moment) might seem way too grand or unbelievable.
A bridge, a road, or a “thought ladder” as its been called by coach Kara Loewentheil. And y’all, this is a game changer.
Here’s how to get from your default thoughts to their extreme opposites – in a way that can actually change your life.
How to Climb a Thought Ladder
First, identify the thought you’re starting with – the one you want to change.
Let’s say the thought you’re starting with is “I’m terrible at public speaking.” And let’s say the thought you want to think is: “I am SO CONFIDENT in public speaking and I just gave a live Ted talk to 5,000 people.”
Now we’re going to make incremental changes to the first thought – by starting with a progression in thought that feels possible right now.
Let’s use the above thought as an example:
I’m terrible at public speaking
(Next incremental thought)
I gave a great toast at the family dinner.
(next thought)
I spoke up in the meeting at work and it felt great.
(next thought)
I gave a presentation to my department and felt confident, clear, and relaxed.
(next thought)
I represented my company on a public stage with grace, confidence, and charisma.
(next thought)
I was asked to give the keynote speech at a national event and it felt enlivening, energizing, and incredible.
(next thought)
I am SO CONFIDENT in public speaking and I just gave a live Ted talk to 5,000 people.
Ah, we’ve arrived at the thought you WANT, but now how do you get to believing it?
The next step is asking yourself: at which thought in my ladder does my brain stop believing?
Maybe it’s easy to believe you could speak up in a work meeting, but when (in the next thought) you try to imagine giving a presentation to the department you feel sick and don’t believe it at all.
If that’s where your brain stops believing, that’s where you start affirming: consciously and intentionally, imagine what it would feel like if this thought were true.
Do this slowly: how does being confident feel in your body? Can you draw from moments you’ve felt confident before? Now can you imagine this affirmed moment being possible – feeling that confidence while presenting to your workplace?
This is the “rung” of the ladder you stay at until you can feel yourself believe.
As time goes on, you progress up the ladder of thoughts, climbing back and forth as each progressively positive thought feels more plausible – and eventually arrive at affirming the one that you want.
You can practice this thought ladder with literally any belief: it can be a belief about money, body image, relationships, or simply your own self-regard.
Thought ladders are based in possibility – they’re a chance to take steps that feel within reach, and if there’s one soap box I live on top of it’s the one-step-at-a-time idea.
I don’t know about you, but when I don’t see a clear path I can feel overwhelmed and hopeless. Before, I could never see a path from “I’m a piece of crap” to “I’m magical, powerful, and strong.” But with the thought ladder we have a path through the brambles of our thoughts – and if we can change our thoughts, we can change our entire lives.
Because remember…
Thoughts create feelings.
Feelings create actions.
Actions create results.
The results are our entire lives.
I’ll never know what that kid in high school actually thought about his mud bath because I never asked him. I hope he grew up in a family that loved to mud wrestle and they were proud as peaches when he arrived home covered head to toe that day. I hope he didn’t see me scurry the other way, and that he didn’t feel stupid.
But if he DID feel humiliated, if, like me, he was full of self-consciousness and terrified of the social hierarchy….I sure hope he’s found his way to a new story today.
A story like “I love and accept all of me. I am magical, powerful, and strong. Mud baths are the best baths.”
xo
Melissa
PPS: Ready for a good story that will also serve as a pick-me-up? Check out the latest version of the podcast here