Freedom is being able to choose whoever and whatever you want to be at any moment in your life.
(Debbie Ford)
I waitressed at a local brunch spot for five important years of my life.
To say the staff felt like family is an understatement: we laughed together, cried together, and shared the kind of maniacal moments only possible when you’ve been on your feet eight hours and then drop a plate of already-late French toast. This restaurant (and the people in it) were my anchor amidst the rough seas of life…until they weren’t.
Like all blooming butterflies, there came a time when I knew I needed to leave the cocoon of this job and spread my wings. I gave everybody one last punch in the shoulder, gulped down the excitement and fear, and set out to put my psych degree to use. It felt like another graduation of sorts – and I intended to do big things.
My next job (as a mental health matchmaker) involved setting up networking brunches all over town, but I found that I conspicuously avoided planning events at “my” former restaurant. I didn’t wanna go back there, even though whenever I drove by I’d strain to see old coworkers through the windows (in true creeper fashion.) The invisible force keeping me away wasn’t apparent to me then, but now I understand what was going on - and it all comes back to Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion.
My spirit animals
Ya know, the movie.
For anyone who hasn’t seen it, Romy and Michelle are best friends, total weirdos, and (despite being high school outcasts) decide to attend their school’s reunion.
But when they begin to fill out the “where are you now?” survey for the reunion committee, they realize that their lives aren’t exactly what classmates might find successful: they’re single, jobless, childless, feel out of shape, and haven’t done anything “noteworthy.” Like many of us, they’ve swallowed societal ideals of female success hook, line, and sinker – and not embodying those ideals makes them feel like cow patties.
At first they decide to just not attend the reunion, but then they have a better idea: they’ll LIE about what their lives are like. If they can’t actually be successful, why not fake it, right?
So they hop on the treadmill, rent a cool car, invent impressive-sounding jobs, and finally, pretend to be the inventors of “Post-Its” (like, the note) in order to have a really cool success story to tell people at the reunion.
checks out
You can guess where this is going, right?
Though we’re all rooting for them to “stick it” to the popular crowd and show up large and in charge, one by one the lies begin to crumble until, rather than impressing people, they become the laughing stock of the reunion.
This was always one of my favorite movies, and it wasn’t just because Romy and Michelle are ridiculous and hilarious. This movie stuck with me because after their big fat lie falls apart, they realize that they really don’t give two turds about what the popular crowd thinks of them, or even what society thinks about their lives. They have each other, nontraditional lives that they actually love, and at the end of the day, they realize they even love themselves.
In a very Hollywood ending, we get the whole “it’s not what other people think of you, its what YOU think of you” storyline loud and clear.
And while its easy to roll your eyes at this cliché idea, the catalyst of this ridiculous movie is a toxic belief that many of us can relate to:
It’s not our ACTUAL lives that matter – its how our lives look to others that matters.
And as I return to the story about the restaurant I worked at, I realize this belief was the reason I couldn’t go near a place that formerly felt like home. Though I hadn’t been an “outcast” like Romy and Michelle, I HAD built up ideas of what a successful post-waitressing life should look like, and decided other people were holding me to these standards too:
I need to be making lots of money in a grown-up sounding job
I need to be thin, attractive, look “good” (by patriarchal societal standards, that is)
I need to be a success story – noteworthy, well-regarded, cool – maybe even TOO cool
Now, you guys know that I talk a lot about how seldomly other people are actually thinking about us. I knew full well nobody was waiting in that restaurant with a clipboard and questions like:
How much money do you make now? Is it more than you made waitressing?
You’re twenty pounds heavier than when you worked here… you know that’s bad, right?
What have you been doing that makes you successful, Melissa? And do you still make fart jokes on the daily, or are you a grown up now?
I laugh as I write these imaginary interview questions because I know nobody’s asking them and I know they’re ridiculous. But you guys, OUR BRAINS ARE RIDICULOUS.
These thoughts were under the hood of my brain car!
Left unchecked, my over-protective and over-producing little brain car would run me into a life of hiding, insecurity, and a constant belief that I am never good enough.
And spoiler alert: none of the “outside” societal markers of success like money, fitness, a cool job, or the achievement of a nuclear family ever make our brains think we’re good enough – we have to fix our brains BEFORE we can appreciate that outside stuff— and at that point it’s all just gravy.
In order to change every other part of our lives, we need to change our thoughts.
When I started to examine this weirdness about my old workplace, I realized it was because I had these beliefs lodged in my brain. Once I dug them out and examined them (with my own coach) I was able to ask myself a question I recommend everyone ask of their own thoughts:
Is this thought serving me? (No matter how true it seems, no matter how delusional I think it is to question it– is it serving me? If not: there’s the door.)
These thoughts were most definitely NOT serving me.
And because I wanna live a free, creative, joyous, wholehearted and courageously weird life, I started writing and practicing some new thoughts. Thoughts like…
I am worthy, valuable, and interesting exactly as I am
Success is defined by me, not by other people or a society that profits from my insecurity
It’s possible that people love me exactly as I am – rich/poor/thin/fat/jobless/famous/inventor of Post-Its/Fart-joke-makereth
It’s possible that nobody is thinking about me at all and it’s all coming from my brain
(To figure out how to actually believe new thoughts, check out this blog.)
You guys, at the end of the day none of those thoughts had anything to do with ANYONE else.
They didn’t even really have to do with my old job, even though that’s where I found them cropping up. These are familiar, conditioned, living in a self-built-prison type thoughts and un-learning them has changed everything.
Unlearning them means I can see former coworkers and feel joy rather than self-conscious.
Unlearning them means I can look in the mirror and be grateful for a body that birthed a baby and survived 35 years of craziness (and counting.)
Unlearning these beliefs means I free myself to achieve any outside goal that I want to, but not out of fear (“I’m only good enough if I’m rich”) but rather from love (“I’m gonna be rich because I wanna save animals and children and go on loads of vacations while I’m doing it.”)
And dismantling toxic belief systems works the same for you guys, too.
Whether you wanna have a blast at your reunion, find the love of your life, or look in the mirror and actually like what you see: the keys to all of it are inside your mind.
“Free your mind, and the rest will follow…” was right.
When we free our minds from the prisons that were accidentally built over time, anything is possible.
Confidence. Success. Inventing Post-Its.
The limit does not exist.
Always with love,
Melissa