Do you like being liked? Me too.
Wanting to be accepted and important to the TRIBE is what literally kept our ancestors alive— it’s hardwired into us.
Adoration (on a primal level) means that you’ve been elevated to a most essential tribe member, which to our ancestors meant, “phew, these genes are gonna survive!”
Once we realize that being liked is just a part of our DNA, then we can forgive ourselves for the stuff we’ve sacrificed to get there. We can forgive ourselves for people pleasing, perfection, and for standing in front of the mirror and seeing what our smile looks like from different angles. (DON’T LIE TO ME – YOU’VE DONE IT!)
This is normal. But we gotta call it out, because gone unchecked, people pleasing and perfection seeking have a dark side.
I mean, there’s a difference between wanting to be liked and not showing up for fear of being disliked.
There’s a fine line between people pleasing and being dishonest.
I like what coach Kara Lowentheil recently called people pleasing: people deceiving.
Ouch - that idea doesn’t feel as good, right? Because we’ve learned that to deceive people is wrong.
But that’s exactly what we do when we pretend to be someone we’re not, to like things we don’t, and you guys, this is what we’re doing when we don’t show up to the current moment honestly because we’re afraid of doing things wrong and being judged.
And to be clear, I mean the current moment in both our personal life and in the world.
We are in the midst of a big moment in time.
Our country limped out of quarantine and into a human rights movement— quite a juxtaposition.
Many (white) people are awakening to their privilege and how little they actually know about how others exist in the world. Even if you’ve been on an anti-racism or activist journey for a while, you may be finding entirely new levels of shame, confusion, fear, and of not-so-hot parts of yourself rising up.
You might be questioning a lot as you examine the foundation upon which you’ve built your ideas of yourself and the world.
These feelings might be making it pretty tough to show up in the world – because you might get things wrong and you might be disliked.
We often wait to show up until we know how to do things correctly— especially as women. And because you’re reading this (and I have the best people in my orbit) I know that you’re not JUST concerned with how you look, but with who you’re being.
Photo Courtesy of Leighann Blackwood
I know you want to show up to this moment with love.
But…
Love is anything but perfect.
Love is being okay with knowing so little, and doing your best to learn, stumble, and fail forward with courage.
Love is being confused about whether you’re just supposed to be listening or using your voice.
Love is worrying about how you’re showing up not JUST because you’re people pleasing but because you genuinely don’t want to do harm.
Love is calling out racism in life when you see it, doing things like approach your boss about a need for workplace diversity, and being approached yourself when you inevitably fumble.
Love is asking when you are called out— how is this critique true? If so, how can I do better next time?
Ultimately love is doing YOUR best in this moment and then having your own back when you don’t show up perfectly – because you will get things wrong. So will I.
There was never one right way to show up to life, but the last six months have really shown us ourselves in a way that we can’t unsee – and we shouldn’t.
How can you live in the nuance of this moment and life?
How can you move through these days and weeks with love, courage, and the acceptance that you might get things wrong?
When critiqued (whether real or perceived) where can you find truth in the criticism? How can you use this truth to do better?
I encourage you to sit with these questions as I remind you that, although it might not feel like it, we all have a guide within us that points us to the most loving, courageous, and real answers.
That North Star can hold us steady when we inevitably fail both personally and publicly. Life (and anti-racism work) isn’t about getting things perfect – it’s about showing up in the nuance with honesty, courage, and love.
Navigating the nuance right alongside you,
Melissa
**
Journal prompts:
Why is it important for me to show up honestly and imperfectly to anti-racism work and life?
What does it mean to have my own back in this moment and always?
How do I personally access my inner guide? (Is it through meditation, creativity, movement?)
Who can I follow, learn from, and support this week in order to be a responsible ally?
How can I take critique of myself (whether real or perceived) and mine it for truth that will guide me to do better?
**
PS: Want to listen to an expanded version of this essay? I’ll be releasing this as a podcast episode tomorrow – click here to subscribe to the Follow Your Fire podcast if you haven’t already! And if you would like to support my work, please give the podcast 5 stars and write a review. I’m going to start reading them on air – yours could be next!