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Hello dear ones,
I was talking to a pal yesterday and we had a highly relatable discussion.
She’s in a bit of a funk and feeling stuck for lots of reasons – and like many of us when we’re stuck, she has ideas about what her life should look like instead.
“I really WANT to be someone who gets up early to exercise and clean – a more productive person, ya know?” Her voice was strained. “But I just CAN’T. Like I physically CANNOT do it, and nothing is changing that and it makes me feel like shit.”
We talked about how common this debacle is – the chasm between what we say we want and what we actually do…and the self-loathing it can cause.
I’ll bet you can relate.
Maybe you want to get in shape, change careers, leave (or find) a relationship. Maybe you want a clean house or a well-behaved child or to actually finish writing that book. You might tell people that these are things you want, you might even snip out pictures and put them on a vision board or write about them in a journal - but are you acting like someone who wants that thing?
Are you sacrificing your chillaxing time to meal prep, or dealing with the discomfort of giving your kid consequences? Are you waking up early to type that manuscript, or going out on awkward dates to try and find that relationship?
Are you prioritizing that thing you SAY you want, and sacrificing easier, softer paths that beckon?
If you’re not, do you feel like shit about it? Do you sit with not just the weight of an unachieved life, but also the shame of knowing that you SHOULD be doing that thing or being that person, but you’re just NOT?
If you’re in a space where you’re executing goals and changing the landscape of your life – rock on. Those seasons are incredible.
But ya know what other seasons are incredible? The ones where we meet ourselves exactly where we’re at.
The seasons where we decide we’re not gonna hate ourselves for NOT being productive, brave, or ambitious.
The seasons where we look at the thing we SAY we want and acknowledge an uncomfortable truth – that maybe we don’t REALLY want that thing the way that we think we should right now.
Maybe you want to write the book or work out, but your actual priority is an extra hour of sleep.
Maybe you say you want to find a relationship, but you’re prioritizing a night of snuggled in reading over the nerves of a first date.
Maybe you think you should be productive and accomplished, but who you are right now is composting, fermenting, and becoming something within (rather than changing anything outwardly.)
Maybe there’s no big personal growth happening and you just want to watch The Crown and eat Oreos. (I mean, uh, I don’t know anything about that...)
The current truth might be that you’re not actually as keen on a goal as you want to be, and maybe...just maybe… you don’t need to hate yourself for it.
Rather than feeling like a failure, what if you accepted that part of yourself, exactly where you are right now?
What if you didn’t loathe yourself for being shy, unproductive, or acting “lazy?”
What if you accepted even this part of yourself – the part of you that isn’t ambitious, or productive, or even growth-oriented? What if you lean into lazy for a bit?
What if you trusted that leaning into this season (rather than hating yourself for it) means that it will someday pass?
*
My friend is smart. My friend is conscientious. She could give you a play-by-play of how to achieve the things in life that she says she wants…just like you could probably give yourself one too.
And by the end of our conversation yesterday, she’d come to a realization that wasn’t exactly comfortable but WAS true. “Maybe that person I think I SHOULD be is different than the person I actually AM right now,” she said. “Maybe I NEED to chill, and be comfortable, and unproductive…right now.”
It’s not exactly the messaging we get in our culture (or the self-help world) but I guarantee you – we can’t shame ourselves into changing our lives.
We can’t shame ourselves into accomplishing goals.
We can, however, learn to accept and love our “lowest” selves even while knowing that we someday want something different.
We can recognize that living our “best” life is contingent upon accepting what we’ve decided are the “worst” parts of ourselves.
Today, I challenge you to “call in” the lazy, unproductive, stuck parts of your personhood. Remember that they’re part of the whole you, and that accepting ALL of these parts is exactly how you will live the true, beautiful, and rich life I know that you really want.
Do you want to change these things? Rock on. Do it.
Do you want to watch The Crown tonight?
Permission granted. But you’re not allowed to hate yourself while you do it.
xo,
The most life-coachey life coach you know (Melissa)
PS: I have great news! I’m pregnant and expecting my second daughter at the beginning of April 2021. Pregnancy has meant a season of inner composting for me, and that’s part of why my presence in your inbox has lessened.
PPS: If you haven’t yet seen it, please do me a favor: look up “In & Of Itself” on Hulu and watch it, but don’t read anything about it first. You’ll thank me, I promise.
PPPS: Part of what the “composting” period of early pregnancy brought was writing “The Questions You’ll Wish You Asked: A Time Capsule Journal for Mothers and Daughters.”
It was born from the loss of my own mother and all the questions I wish I’d asked her. It’s a wonderful gift for mothers and daughters of all stages and would make a perfect Valentine (or Mother’s Day) gift for a momma or daughter in your life.
