I had a pretty scary pregnancy.
There were some abnormalities in Tilly’s fetal development that were what the doctor described as “pink flags.”
At the time we were told that these markers could be nothing OR they could mean the absolute worst thing: not getting to meet her at all.
When you become a high risk pregnancy you get extra monitoring and about a zillion suggested tests: I found that the more I knew about what was happening inside of me, the more “pink flags” seemed to turn up.
Suddenly my doubts about motherhood were replaced by this deep yearning and ache to even get the chance; my vision narrowed to a pin and all I wanted was a healthy baby.
It was the most powerless I’d ever felt.
But I was lucky…incredibly lucky: because that’s what I got.
I was so relieved to finally meet her on the outside of my body because things had felt so tenuous and shaky on the inside. And she was perfect…I felt like I’d won the lottery.
I was (and am) so incredibly grateful to receive a gift that I know not everyone does.
And…
Even with this incredible gift of a healthy child…
Something still felt wrong.
In the weeks following her birth I began to recognize a familiar restlessness, and my lack of consistent gratitude filled me with shame.
I mean, I’d gotten what had become the most important “want” I’d ever had: a healthy child.
I knew how incredible that was: just as I recognize so much else that makes my life extremely privileged.
Why then, did I feel like even THIS wasn’t enough?
Why was I gazing out the window as she slept and already plotting the next phase of my life?
Why was my gratitude sandwiched by more wanting?
I didn’t just have the “baby blues” or postpartum depression* either. No, this feeling was an unwelcome but familiar guest– it’d accompanied me to some other beautiful moments in life too.
Other times I’d gotten something I wanted so badly….and then found I didn’t feel much differently.
The degree…the income…the house…the relationship…
Things that felt wonderful.
Things I KNEW I’d wanted.
Things I worked hard for (or simply lucked into.)
But still…
…more wanting.
More, more, more.
What gives, right?
Well, I’ll tell ya…it’s the Hedonic Treadmill, yo.
Photo Courtesy of Procrastination.com
Hedonic what?
The Hedonic Treadmill.
This is the term for our tendency as humans to be in a perpetual state of “more, more, more!” and wanting.
Like our appendix or wisdom teeth, the Hedonic Treadmill is an adaptive trait that at one point served us – but not anymore.
And I’m willing to bet that you’ve felt this too.
Have you ever wished and hoped and dreamed for something, only to get it and feel REALLY good for a while...but then go back to whatever your “normal” is?
Maybe it was your goal weight, long sought-after degree, or getting the promotion – or maybe, like me, it was a meatier and bigger stakes dream, like a healthy baby or an “all clear” result from the doctor.
You pray and you work and you dream and you wish and then poof….an answered prayer.
You got what you wanted.
And though gratitude and awe usually accompany these moments, soon thereafter we often return to a baseline of satisfaction (or lack thereof.)
Hurrumph.
And not basking, appreciating, or even staying in gratitude – especially for something like a miracle baby– can feel pretty dark.
Add to that the awareness of your own privilege and the realization that compared to other people/time periods, you’re pretty damn lucky…and STILL, you want more??
Better not tell anybody, you spoiled and ungrateful first world baby!
(My brain…and yours?)
But as Brene Brown says: shame thrives in darkness.
Half of what makes these thoughts so rough is that we judge ourselves for them – and keep them to ourselves. It’s a shame loop, the dirtiest of birds.
So…how do we get out of the endless loop of wanting (and then shame over wanting?)
How do we make peace with this part of our humanity?
I mean, we wanna get off the treadmill, right?
**
I remember one time I was at the gym and this guy went to board a treadmill next to me. Unbeknownst to him, the treadmill was already on and going FAST: he stepped up, was catapulted back, and rolled across the floor like a violent gymnast.
This is more exemplary of what happens if we shove our dissatisfaction down and act like it’s not there.
(He was fine by the way, in case you’re concerned. We all shared a giggle although I’m sure he felt it later, poor guy.)
But rather than taking the violent gymnast route, there are ways to step off the treadmill and actually get to enjoy good things.
You’ve already completed step one if this has been resonating with you, because step one is:
1. Recognizing that you’re on the treadmill at all.
When we realize that being in a perpetual state of “gimme gimme” thoughts isn’t a defect – it’s just a part of our makeup – we can create space to jump off the hamster wheel of shame.
After all, this feeling simply arises from thoughts: and thoughts are just the ticker tape of our overactive brains.
The doorway to Narnia
With practice, I can watch my thoughts like I might watch my cat gaze into the toilet for hours on end.
“Welp, there she goes again, being a cat…must be pretty exciting in there.”
I don’t take my cat personally, so why take my mind personally?
And my mind – unlike my cat – can actually be trained. (Though training your mind can FEEL like herding cats, it’s actually a lot more doable…stay with me.)
Because the second key to disembarking the Hedonic Treadmill is…
2. A Gratitude Hack
Have you ever seen that quote that says something like “remember when you prayed for the things that you have today?”
It’s supposed to make you stop and recognize the gifts that you’ve ALREADY been given – things you may have forgotten about wanting.
This quote is a great summary of this gratitude hack: rather than making a simple gratitude list, sandwich the things the you’re grateful for in between things you don’t yet have but WANT. This can be confusing so here’s my example:
First, list a few things that you want but don’t yet have:
- I’m grateful that Tilly has grown into a kind, healthy, and happy child.
- I’m grateful that my podcast has reached one million downloads.
- I’m grateful for 10 years sober.
THEN…
List things you already have and want to remain grateful for.
- I’m grateful that I have a healthy baby.
- I’m grateful that I have an awesome podcast.
- I’m grateful for 7 and a half years sober.
You can keep sandwiching…
- I’m grateful for (something you want but don’t yet have)
- I’m grateful for (something you already have and used to want)
The key here is not to just write either of these lists: the key is to REALLY feel what that gratitude is like.
Let that feeling of appreciation wash over you like you might bask in the first few moments in a hot tub. Really feel in your body that immense joy of having what you want – for BOTH lists.
This practice is magical for two reasons: it puts you in a place to feel AS IF you have the future things that you believe will make you happy (which will help you to actualize them) and it gives you a chance to FEEL how incredible all that you already have is.
The next step to disembarking the Hedonic Treadmill…
3. Talk About Your Thoughts/Restlessness *In a Supportive Space*
Whether it’s a journal, a friend, a creative output like music, or with a trusted objective perspective (like a mentor/coach) – getting all that may be bringing us shame on the OUTSIDE rather than letting it fester WITHIN can relieve us of pressure.
To be clear: this really needs to a be a “safe” space. Sharing thoughts that are causing shame with someone who gets inflamed/judges/takes them personally will likely only add to the ick. Being vulnerable is HUGELY important, but we need to do it in trustworthy spaces (and without throwing our shame on someone who will carry it for us.)
And lastly, I’ve gotta throw it out there…another option for jumping off the treadmill is:
4. Meditation.
I know, I know – you don’t like to meditate.
Neither do I, if I’m being honest.
But sitting and watching our thoughts each day (even if it’s just for a few minutes) can create the space we need to untangle ourselves from them.
There are tons of apps for this (Insight Timer, Headspace, Calm, to name a few) and there are also alternative ways to meditate (like walking, writing, balancing on your head while sucking on a Cheeto. That was a test to see if you’re paying attention and – AH – make you more mindful right now!)
***
The above steps are all conscious ways to disembark the treadmill – actions we can all take to enjoy our lives, rather than suffer through them while gazing at the next goal.
The Hedonic Treadmill is left over from our reptilian brain days…but now we’ve got the prefrontal cortex to ward it off a bit. Take that, former single celled organism!
So the next time you:
- reach a goal/dream and then wonder why you don’t feel consistently happy
- find yourself dreaming about something that you just KNOW would make you fulfilled
- get annoyed with someone else’s lack of appreciation or satisfaction
Remember, this is simply the way our brains are naturally wired. Restlessness and wanting are as human as laughter or fingernails.
It’s not any more our fault that we’re dissatisfied than it’s my cat’s fault when she goes insane over a laser pointer.
But unlike my cat, it IS our decision if we’re going to live there.
It’s up to us to recognize that which doesn’t serve us and wire our brains differently.
It’s up to me to continually remember how insanely lucky I am to have gotten a miracle baby, and I do that by not shaming myself for the moments that I forget.
I am, for one, profoundly grateful that this little gal made me a mother.
What are you grateful for?
Xo,
Melissa
*If you think you might have PPD, depression, or a persistent case of the baby blues…it’s so important to seek professional help from a licensed therapist. If local to Sacramento I’m happy to direct you to someone who can help you through this. If not, Psychology Today is a great resource.
Click here to watch a great (short) documentary on the subject of endless wanting
Last but not least:
When I say Hedonic, you say treadmill!
Hedonic!
TREADMILL
Hedonic!
TREADMILL!
(Just cheer this to yourself the next time you start being an ungrateful ninny muggings.)