Hey 😊
If you’re reading this you may or may not know that I have an email newsletter.
It’s a pretty cool newsletter and the button to sign up is down there - but that’s actually not the point of this post.
The point is I’ve never had as many people press the unsubscribe button as I have in the past few months – we’re talking some big digits - it’s been wild.
Seeing that I’d lost subscribers was something that used to get me really down– it would make me think: “Did I offend them? Overwhelm them?” Or the highest offense in my book…“Was I boring?”
My feelings about my newsletter list could be extrapolated* from my feelings about myself in general…
What if I offend someone?
What if I’m too much for them?
What if I’m not professional enough?
But these past few months I’ve actually felt something way different about this mass exodus of subscribers…which of course is about way more than an email list – it’s about my life and how I’m showing up in it.
Relief.
Babies don’t have masks…why should we?
Wait…what?
I mean of course at first the same thoughts of self-doubt crop up (because these thoughts were my human brain’s natural resting place for years.)
But as I relaxed and felt what was actually happening, I found that I started to feel a weight was being lifted – one that had nothing to do with newsletter subscribers, and everything to do with myself.
I got this “lighter” feeling for a few reasons:
1. I removed a mask.
- Anybody who’s been in my orbit for a while knows that my writing has changed a bit over the years. It’s gotten less formal and research based and more personal and laden with potty jokes. I still LOVE research and reference it when appropriate – but I no longer feel like I need to hide behind evidence to share an idea that will help people.
2. I took responsibility.
- When I was writing from a very moderate and distant place – AKA from behind the “professional coach” mask I constructed – my work was more palatable for a larger group of people. In turn, it attracted people that appreciate that kind of writing (and maybe that type of coach.) Technically, these people were never “my” people, but they were in my orbit because I sorta lured them in with my “professional coach” mask and then struggled to keep it on. People are allowed to leave our orbit for any reason, but it makes inevitable sense that they’ll leave if they were attracted by something less than authentic.
3. My thoughts about my email list (and people in my life) have changed.
- I realize now that people unsubscribing (or unfollowing, unfriending, not hiring me, not laughing at my jokes, not inviting me to a party, etc. etc.) are neutral events. What I mean by that is these actions aren’t good or bad – they’re simply neutral events that I can have a whole buncha thoughts about.
For example, when someone unsubscribes, I can say “okay, there goes a person for whom I was never going to reach and that leaves room for someone who will totally giggle about the poopy polar express.” I can also say “that person is just tired of having a jammed email box, they’re doing some downsizing, I’m sure it’s not about me.” Or I could say “oh dear – they must HATE me. And now what am I going to say to him before bed?” (It was my hubby unsubscribing in that last example – Pray for him.)
The point is I can fill in the blank with a TON of thoughts that make this event good or bad – but in reality, it just IS.
We can all do this thought breakdown, but it’s easier to run with “Life IS good or bad, Melissa - so stop it with this life is neutral BS.”
Before you cast aside this “choose your thoughts” idea and accuse me of being robotic and full of whimsical poo let me remind you: the above tactic is NOT always where my brain starts either.
It usually starts with the familiar tape of “oh jeez, they don’t like me, I’m not good enough, my writing sucks, etc. etc.” This was the tape my brain played for YEARS and I know it’s every groove like I knew the Paula Abdul single* I used to listen to on repeat.
(*It was Opposites Attract and I’ll link it down there. Do yourself a favor and listen at the end.)
(I feel like I should switch to a different metaphor for my young squires who never used cassettes. Let’s go with radio.)
Our brains are like radios that are constantly tuned to various channels.
Sometimes they start off on a channel we don’t like – but it may be one we’re so used to that we forget we can change it. It doesn’t feel like a channel on the radio, it feels like “THAT’S ME – THIS IS REAL – I AM THIS CHANNEL – THIS IS LIFE.”
But the truth is that our brains ARE neutral – just like a radio – and we are the listener/watcher of our brain, not the radio itself.
As that listener we can totally change the station whenever we want – choose new thoughts that create new feelings that then create new actions…which create a new life.
Whoa.
Everything can change if we tune the station to a different channel.
And when everything starts to change it can seem “bad” – like if people start unsubscribing to your email list.
At this point it could be tempting to “tone it down” and “back off” and retreat into your “professional” or “guarded” shell.
But here’s the other thing about these past few months – I’ve also been introduced to this entirely new group of people, readers, and clients that are TOTALLY down with this poopy polar express version of me.
I can joke with them on our calls, I can relax with them in person, and my writing has taken an Ex-Lax and just started flowing. (I had to.)
So why am I sharing this?
Why do I share anything, you guys?
Because I KNOW it’s the same for you too.
Maybe you don’t have a newsletter – maybe you’re not gonna start telling poop jokes – but I’ll bet there’s an area of your life or yourself where you’re TIRED of wearing a mask.
Maybe you wish you could relax and be yourself with your coworkers.
Maybe you wanna share some art or music or your new business on social media but you’re worried about how people will respond.
Maybe you’re struggling with being more “you” with old friends or family – unsure how to “change” when you’ve known people so long.
Maybe there are just parts of you that you’ve deemed unacceptable for certain circles – for me it was my goofy humor…what is it for you?
Drag that part of you out into the light…
Join me, I dare you.
No filter guys
Here’s a picture of my weird thumb as motivation.
Let me be an example of the totally still beating heart that waits on the other side of your mask– I’m still alive, I feel way lighter, and you can too.
So, if you’re looking for a reason or a sign to share that idea, opinion, vulnerability, or WHATEVER it is you’re sitting on, this is it.
Feel free to comment and tell me what you think makes you a weirdo.
After all, “it’s better to be hated for something you are, than loved for something you’re not.” (Let’s stop attributing this quote to Marilyn Monroe – it was Kim Kardashian that said it.)
xo,
Melissa