Are You Suffering Unnecessarily? How to Decipher Between Clean and Dirty Pain
(To listen to this essay in podcast form, click here)
Photo by Harry Quan on Unsplash
“Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional,” or so the trusty old saying goes.
But wait, is that actually right?
The definition of suffering is simply “undergoing pain or hardship.”
And if you’re showing up to life (“in the arena” as Brene Brown often talks about) you’re gonna get your ass kicked by pain once in a while. Pain is the flip side to the exhilarating joys and deep love of a truthful life. It’s rough, but we’re supposed to feel it.
But where is the line between the pain of a fully experienced life, and unnecessary suffering?
How do we know if we’re spinning in rumination versus recognizing difficult circumstances?
Is there some kinda magic 8-ball that can reveal to us what type of pain we’re experiencing?
Turns out, there kinda is.
Allow me to introduce you to the concept of “clean and dirty pain” –something a (fabulous) coaching colleague Anisha Imhasly introduced me to.
The terminology of “clean and dirty” pain is based on an ancient Buddhist principle and goes something like this:
Clean pain is pain felt from difficult circumstances in life, whether these are really big events (like the loss of a loved one, physical injury, emotional trauma) or smaller but still jarring experiences (like losing a job, breaking a toe, being eliminated from the community talent show, etc.)
Clean pain hurts deeply and profoundly, but it relates to things as they actually happened— the facts of the situation and the reality of the actual (difficult) event.
Now dirty pain, on the other hand, are all of these same experiences wrapped up in the mud of a punishing mind. Dirty pain is taking difficulty from life and blaming yourself or others for it, making broad generalizations around it, should-ing all over it, or just generally spinning around the drain of “things shouldn’t have been like this and now everything is wrong.”
Some examples of clean versus dirty pain:
Clean pain experience: “I lost my job unexpectedly and it really jarred me.”
Dirty pain equivalent: “I lost my job because I am stupid, unnecessary, unskilled, a loser that will never amount to anything.”
Clean pain experience: “My mom died and I miss her a lot.”
Dirty pain equivalent: “My mom wouldn’t have died if I had just been a better daughter, if she had just eaten better, if her boss had been nicer, etc.”
Are you seeing the differences here? Clean pain is real, valid, often personal (but sometimes observed) and dirty pain involves generalizations, should-ing, and negotiating/blaming with reality. In short, dirty pain is like a dirty wound…more painful than it has to be.
So how do we clean it up?
First off, we recognize it. Becoming conscious of the stories you’re telling around your pain is always the first step.
Second, we honor the real and valid actual pain. Much of the harm we do to ourselves involves resisting emotions like anger, sadness, grief, or frustration. Giving ourselves some compassion and truly feeling pain (even if we deem it silly or not worth the feelings we’re having over it) actually cleans the wound we have and gives us space to heal.
Third, it can be helpful to re-frame dirty pain stories that aren’t serving us.
Here is a common “dirty” pain circumstance and story.
When scrolling social media, you notice that your former neighbor shared a fake news article that you deem harmful. You click on the comments and see many words of agreements, inaccurate generalizations, and a terrifying blindness to actual realities of the topic in question. In short, you see a whole buncha herd-mentality BS and immediately feel annoyed, angry, and scared for the fate of the world.
Here’s the clean pain:
“People are sharing fake news and then basing their decisions on it and that makes me angry.”
Dirty pain story:
“People are sharing fake news because they’re willfully ignorant, hateful, and hopeless. The world is going to hell in a hand basket.”
Now obviously that last story feels crappy. And it’s pretty easy for me to snag because it’s right there in my own brain (and many others) but not necessarily doing me much good. I know this because when I say it I feel anxious and powerless – which is not going to help me or anyone else.
Here’s how I re-frame a story like that in order for it to serve me (and the world):
“People are sharing fake news and that bothers me. Man, it sucks! But I can decide where to put my energy today, and also decide to not let my own well-being depend on another person’s views. I know that there are many conscientious, smart, and loving people sharing information too. I will keep working to be one of them.”
That last bit makes me feel calm, centered, and powerful, which is why I know it’s the story for me. But I only became aware of the “dirty pain” story because I spent some time there. (This is also a small example of how the way we approach social media is simply microcosm for the way we approach relationships, love, politics, “real” life. I can’t wait to share the Art of Social Media with you!)
Ultimately, I hope this concept of “Clean and Dirty” pain is helpful.
Because yes, suffering is a part of life – but so is joy, peace, hope, and the stuff that comes alongside it. It’s unnecessary suffering that stands between us and the most beautiful parts of lives and ourselves.
Until next time,
Melissa
**Wanna listen to this in podcast form? Click here
PS: If you read this far, I know you’re trying to live a conscious and connected life. I made something for you: “The Questions You’ll Wish You Asked” series of family journals will help you sow meaning and deepen your connections, while also helping you understand yourself and your family better. Writing down answers for your kids or asking questions of your elders can help you free yourself in the present. Find them here.
Do you know a motherless mother? I created some journals for her…
here’s one for pregnancy and one for beyond.
