If we're connected on social media, you might've seen my post about the current moon phase - a waning crescent.
Image by Jordan Steranka on Unsplash
This phase is an excellent time to slow down, turn within, and do shadow work.
Some writing prompts to do over the next few days:
What have I been trying to rush? Where can I slow down more?
What parts of my shadow have been most present?
How can I give those parts a deep bow, even while recognizing the places where I want to grow? (How does my shadow serve me? Where is it trying to protect, guard, or even empower me in other areas?)
After sharing these prompts on social media, I got a question:
"What does it actually mean to write about the shadow? Can you give an example?"
I was so grateful for this question because it reminded me how nebulous the idea of "shadow work" can be. So here's my answer from yesterday:
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"Here's an example from my own life:
Today I’ve been very “blame-ey.” When something crummy happened, it wasn't just bad, it was someone’s FAULT and they need to be blamed. I kept nursing this resentment / annoyance over it, wanting them to pay, even just in my mind. (This was ALL internal BTW, but it really chipped away beneath the surface of my mind.)
This tendency is familiar, because blaming and punishment are parts of my shadow.
Note: the term "shadow" here stems from Carl Jung's description of a "hidden, repressed, for the most part inferior and guilt-laden personality."
Our personal shadow consists of the inner parts we keep hidden because they're considered bad, wrong, or resulted in disapproval and disconnection from early relationships. Things like jealousy, judgement, rage - Shadow work is the idea that rather than abandoning these parts of ourselves, we can kneel down, see them, even recognize where they've been helpful - calling these parts back into the whole Self without judgement.
To return to my example from yesterday and how these shadows might be trying to help...…
"These blaming and punishing parts are an inner protector or “loyal soldier” to use IFS* terms: finding blame and seeking punishment are things that likely helped some younger part of me stay out of trouble, be “good” and approved of, and generally stay safe.
Where these parts might help me: blame is a cousin to responsibility, something that actually serves me when it’s right-sized (not running rampant & extreme.) Taking radical responsibility helped me to get and stay sober, own my part in relational issues, and generally feel empowered in my life, rather than a victim of it.
Seeing this connection makes me realize how blaming and punishing parts of my shadow are related to positives, and also the "showing" parts of old protectors that kept me safe.
What could internally look like just being generally shitty (“why am I so immature / such a petty person / bad parent?”) can be seen with compassion: my shadow can be “called in” and witnessed, and that younger / hurting part of me can stop being punished even more."
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This comment sparked a lot more private messages and I realized how hungry people are for this tool that can lead us into deeper shadowy places with - not just for naval gazing, but to emerge feeling more confidence and freedom.
If this idea is interesting to you, a few next right things for you:
dive into these questions, whether in your journal or by bringing them into breathwork or your next walk without headphones in
check out the Questions You'll Wish Your Asked Yourself - there are entire sections dedicated to and adjacent to shadow work
come to full moon breathwork on Saturday February 24th - it's a chance to bring even more insight, healing, and release to these parts of self, and do so under the power of a full moon
Have you done shadow work? What has been the most healing about it for you? I'd love to hear your response - just reply to this email.
With you in the shadows and the light,
Melissa
PS: I have been loving the internet rediscovering Tracy Chapman after the Grammy's this past week.
And even though I've loved a few of her songs for a long time, watching her performance made me want to dig up even more - so I've been going to sleep with Tracy Chapman in my ears.
Something miraculous I found in my dive: a performance of hers at Wembley Stadium in 1988. The backstory is incredible.
She'd already performed a set, but then Stevie Wonder's equipment went missing, and he couldn't play. She agreed to step into his slot in front of a massively bigger audience and broadcast. You can hear her nerves, her quivering 24-year-old voice - and you can also hear her connection to the divine, the way she holds the massive crowd captivated, her sturdy power...something we all saw at the Grammy's last week, thirty-six years later. The caption below the video dives into this backstory even deeper.
I was recently asked a question that I loved: who do you know of that just radiates grace, strength, and power, just through their presence?
Tracy Chapman is one of those people to me. What would your answer be? Here's that performance.
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*IFS - Internal Family Systems - more about this and some podcast recommendations below.
"Internal Family Systems (IFS) is an approach to psychotherapy that identifies and addresses multiple sub-personalities or families within each person’s mental system. These sub-personalities consist of wounded parts and painful emotions such as anger and shame, and parts that try to control and protect the person from the pain of the wounded parts.
The sub-personalities are often in conflict with each other and with one’s core Self, a concept that describes the confident, compassionate, whole person that is at the core of every individual. IFS focuses on healing the wounded parts and restoring mental balance and harmony by changing the dynamics that create discord among the sub-personalities and the Self.
IFS was developed by psychologist Richard Schwartz. In his work as a family therapist, Schwartz began to observe patterns in how people described their inner lives: “What I heard repeatedly were descriptions of what they often called their "parts"—the conflicted subpersonalities that resided within them,” Schwartz says. He began to conceive of the mind as a family, and the parts as family members interacting with one another. Exploring how these components functioned with one another was the foundation for IFS and the idea of the core Self." (Source: Psychology Today.)
Here is a great podcast on IFS if you're curious to learn more.
Here is another good one, especially helpful for parents
I included many IFS-inspired prompts and exercises in the Questions You'll Wish You Asked Yourself. And now you don't have to go through a behemoth corporation to grab one of my journals - check out my new Etsy shop here.
ARE YOU ASKING THE QUESTIONS YOU’LL WISH YOU HAD?
We all contain multitudes, and I sure wish I’d thought to ask my mom more about hers while I still could. Consider writing down answers for your kids, asking questions of your family members, or sending one of the Questions You’ll Wish You Asked journals to a person you care about today. Find them here.
And okay, since you asked - here is my new favorite Tracy Chapman song. Consider the lyrics and when it was released…just after she catapulted to fame.
PS: I’d love to have you at my next virtual breathwork ceremony. You can always find the most recent upcoming ceremony here.